My name is Laura Tolli. I am willing to be transparent about all my past and knowledge of public figure, author and spiritual teacher, Padma Aon Prakasha.
I met Padma Aon Prakasha when I was living in Bali, 2006. At the time I was already in a relationship with a high profile spiritual teacher. Padma had come to meet with my partner with the intention to co-elaborate in their spiritual work. Padma was very charming and instantly fixed upon me, alluring me with promises of deep healing and how he could transform me into the person I had so longed to be. He said that he had seen me before in his meditation and that we were meant to be together. He said that when we unite great things for the planet could transpire. I believed him.
I was initially attracted to him because I felt desired, special, important and sexually validated. I felt worthy and powerful and confidant that I could achieve the healing he described through his direction. Buried deep inside me though, I felt shamefully unworthy, which is why I was desperate for healing and the need to feel good about myself. That night he took me aside and said that I belonged to him. That together we could do extraordinary things that would ‘serve humanity’. I felt so excited and hopeful for my future and willingly had a sexual relationship with him and left my partner.
After we made love he said that I was in need of sexual healing. That my womb was closed and severely lacking in power. He stated that I would be unable to create anything worthy in the world unless I did the healing work he recommended. He said that after this healing was complete that I would be ready to be a teacher co-creating alongside of him.
I was elated and put my trust in him completely. He told me of his spiritual encounters, meetings with celestial spirits, communing with God and personally meeting Jesus in meditation. He claimed to be enlightened and perfect to a degree. I felt so blessed and fortunate to be with someone so enlightened and spiritually knowledgeable.
Shortly afterwards, he said that we should have a child and the child would be the result of two spiritually advanced parents. He referred to the child as a “Golden Child.” He said that I would be fully healed of all my injuries in a short time frame if I follow his counsel and practises. At that time I was named Areya. I changed my name to escape the pain associated with my childhood and believed that a name change would create the illusion of me being in a better soul condition than I was. Padma said that when I was more healed I should change my name to Magdelena to be equal with his spiritual position. All of Padma’s followers had changed their names either of themselves or he would do it for them.
After 3 weeks he became very doubtful that I was ever going to be spiritually evolved. I struggled to understand his other worldly theories that lacked so much clarity for me, and therefore could not engage and bounce off his ideas and spiritual work. He then began abusing me saying that I was the stupidest person he’d ever met, severely creatively blocked and sexually damaged beyond repair. He thought that God had tricked him by ‘falling in love’ with a “commoner from Down Under,” (I am Australian) who knows nothing of spiritual matters. He yelled at God in rage that he deserved to be with someone of his development and spiritual superiority, but then felt “God” say that he needed to learn patience and that not everybody can learn as fast as he.
He continued to try to heal me with great frustration frequently shouting in my face that if I don’t meditate more and do his practices that I would be doomed with no possibility of healing my injuries. I knew I was being abused, but I believed that if he was in spiritual connection with God, then he knew far more than me and I should show him some respect and be forgiving of his frustrations. I had such little self-love and was terrified that I would never heal and be worthy and validated. I thought that if I lost Padma, I’d lose any possibility for redemption and healing. I believed he was the best, as he constantly stated and his followers believed.
When I became pregnant he told me to abort it because we were not ready, because I was not spiritually prepared to carry his child. He demanded that I have an abortion. I told him that was not ever going to happen and he became infuriated. He chased me around the kitchen at my parents’ home, trying to punch me in the stomach in order to do the job himself. I pulled out a knife to keep him away and fortunately my parents arrived and we “acted like nothing was happening.” I was in shock and he left. In the past he had told me that he made his ex-girlfriend have two abortions. With his own hands and intention, he performed the death of the foetus himself. He placed his hands on the womb of the mother of his unborn child and asked the foetus to return to God and it was not welcome here. He said that it was a loving exchange and an agreeance between him and his child. It sounded absolutely horrifying to me at the time and I felt that he was indeed a murderer, yet somehow at the time I overrode my feelings and believed to a certain degree that that was a possibility. He told me that I could not possibility know how these interactions and healings work with my very little spiritual understanding.
I was so terrified of Padma that I was hardly ever present around him. I did not use logic and was so blinded by my own addictions of feeling special just to be with him. I over looked many red flags.
He soon began to call me selfish that I would not allow him to heal other women sexually. He stated that I was not loving him or my sisters for stopping these affairs that could lead to the healing of their wombs and the potential for greatness on the planet.
Every time I called him on his unloving behaviour he would either tell me I was selfish, spiritually ignorant or damaged beyond repair or physically abuse me. He put his hands around my next twice trying to choke me in rage. His mother and father came to my rescue both times. They knew he had series problems with rage and abuse and had seen this pattern with other girlfriends.
I wanted to leave Padma many times. His parents constantly spoke to him about me being a blessing in his life and that I could help him become grounded and a ‘family man.’ They believed that I could help with his superiority complex and anger. He understood what they meant and always begged for forgiveness and that he would change and heal.
I’d finally made my decision to leave him when I was 7 months pregnant, but was not allowed to legally board the plane from London to Australia until our child was two months old. I lived with his mother who was very good to me. If it wasn’t for her at that time I don’t know what would have happened to me. I had no money, knew no-one in the country and was heavily pregnant. Padma often reminded me of my dependence upon him and that I had no-one else in my life. He would often tell me that I had no friends and that the only reason people were so loving towards me is because I was with him. I arrived back in Australia when our daughter was 2 months old.
6 months later he once again said that he’d changed and that he was going to try to be more humble and patient with me and learn how to be a good father. He came to Australia. On the second day he threated to break my fingers because he thought I’d treated his expensive camera roughly. At that stage I was in therapy for my self-esteem and knew in my heart that I did not want this anymore. I told him I was no longer in need of his healing and did not believe in his work and basically told him he was a fraud and full of shit. I doubted every spiritual experience he’d had and no longer looked up to him with admiration. He felt that I no longer idolized him and left me for good.
Four years after that, I gave Padma the opportunity to take responsibility for his creation and contribute to child support. I told him it was a legal requirement given that his name is on the birth certificate. He told me never to contact him again. I didn’t. That was 6 years ago. Padma has not paid any child support since 2008.
In that time other women have emailed me seeking validation about their doubts that he was enlightened. They told me that they were becoming terrified of Padma, yet believed they had something to heal or learn from their interactions. Padma always referred to a past life and how karmic connections were playing out in this life and needed healing.
I have received an email from him recently. I have only included a copy of his email to me personally apologizing because, 1. I used to feel he was sincere when he seemed to be in a humble place and always believed his words of apology and always took him back, and 2. I can now feel the insincerity of his lack of true repentance. I can feel that there is no humility in this email and that is all about self-preservation. I can also still heavily feel his arrogance and know that true repentance would make him want to take action. I do not believe that he has any intention of taking responsibility as a father or want to understand why he treated me or others so badly. Here is that email..
I trust all is well with you and your family.
I Am writing to you because i want to say sorry.
I want to say sorry for being an asshole to you.
I Am sorry for harming you. I Am sorry for arguing with you. I am sorry for holding you by the throat. I am sorry for pushing you around. I am sorry i could not be there for you because of my own pain.
I am sorry i could not support you. I am sorry for not being more of a man for you ( because i wasnt your man.) I am sorry for threatening to abandon you in Israel. I am sorry for not holding you and being there for you. I am sorry for hitting you. I am sorry for my emotional abuse of you. I am sorry for my deep pain that prevented me from being a good man sometimes. I am sorry for verbally abusing you because of my own frustration and pain.
I Am sorry that i couldnt be there for Isha. That caused me much grief. I Am sorry i couldnt heal myself at that time. I Am sorry i couldnt help or support you more.
I Am sorry for being an arrogant asshole, full of shit sometimes. I Am sorry for the times i didnt listen to you and i dismissed you. I am sorry i didnt do better. I am sorry i couldnt be more vulnerable and humble with you. I Am sorry i couldnt share my pain or ask for support. i just didnt know what to do or what was going on to do so.
I am sorry Laura for all the shit i did to you and with you. I am glad that beautiful Isha has come out of our relating at least …thats a good thing.
I am sorry that i didnt treat you with respect, honour and dignity sometimes. I am sorry i didnt listen to you. I am sorry i didnt support you more emotionally. I am sorry i didnt speak out more or share more from a deeper soul space. I Am sorry that i couldnt handle the pain within me -i just didnt know what to do with it, or even that i was holding such deep pain.
I Am sorry for my pride. I am sorry for my facade towards you. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry i was too self obsessed sometimes. I am sorry we couldnt work anything out in a more conscious way. I am sorry i couldnt see my daughter. I am just sorry about it all really Laura.
Please forgive me my errors, my pain, and my lack. Please forgive me all the harm i did to you.
I really wish you and your family all love, all happiness and fulfilment. I find it wonderful you are both making music and enjoying it. Bravo!
Thank you for everything Laura. Really. For everything.
I am still holding onto shame about my past and realizing how much I sacrificed and risked in order to feel worthy by a parental figure or someone in a position of power. I have a history of sexual abuse from childhood. I never had validation from my parents or felt supported, significant or loved by them. I thought that if I had validation that I’m a good person from someone who is close to God, the pain of how I was treated in childhood would be eradicated. It was this error in my thinking that fuelled my obsession to wanting Padma’s approval. I just didn’t want to grieve that my parents had never truly loved me.
I am only now coming out publicly for the first time because I feel there are so many men and woman who are being abused by Padma. They are initially attracted to his undeniable ability to ‘know them.’ This is due to the spirits with him who feed him information and not because Padma is spiritually evolved. I was with Padma when he wrote the book The Christ Blueprint. I do not believe he had any contact with any of the supreme spirits mentioned in his book. I do not believe he is spiritually evolved or advanced, even in the slightest. I believe that every loving spirit he claimed to have communicated with in his book, was actually a darker spirit deceiving their identity.
I wish Padma no harm and can see the injuries in me that made me open to accept the abuse that I received under Padma’s influence.
I hope that in sharing my story I can assist others on their healing journey.
I would also like to mention that I would have never have healed from so many of my injuries that attracted Padma into my life if it wasn’t for the teachings and assistance of AJ Miller (aka Jesus) and Mary Luck (aka Mary Magdalene) www.divinetruth.com
By their actions they shall be known.
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